Bangkok is no different than any other big city in the world, other than the fact that it’s red light district is right out in the open and easy to find. That being said there is always the possibility of getting into trouble if you don’t keep your wits about you. Don’t flash wads of cash, don’t wear lots of flashy jewelry and apparently don’t show your date for the night your laptop that contains intelligence documents pertaining to the Australian military.

Now, I consider myself a normal kinda guy and if left to my own devices in a city such as Bangkok I would definitely find myself curious about the nightlife. But being the normal kinda guy I am ( read: of at least average to above average intelligence) I would take precautions to keep myself and my property safe. Apparently the Australian military, much like the American military, doesn’t place much stock in the intelligence part.

In early July of this year one Lieutenant Commander Peter de Maskens, a signal specialist for the Australian military, was attending a week long conference in Bangkok on regional security issues of all things. Well one night Lieutenant Maskens decided at 2am to take a stroll to Bangkok’s most famous night life destination, Nana Plaza.

Two things immediately come to mind here. #1 The Lieutenant being in town for a few days and being a man obviously knew that Nana Plaza was closed by that time and #2 he knew that Nana Hotel’s parking lot was the place to go after hours to avoid a bar fine. Even if it was his first day in Bangkok He knew this…all men know this.

Now we get to the next part of the story. By 3am he was back at his 5 star hotel, The Banyan Tree Hotel, with what the police describe only as a Thai person, which is man speak for “he brought a ladyboy back to the hotel but we don’t want to embarrass him any further”. Already batting 300 our Lieutenant directly passed out only to awake hours later and  find that his Ipod, credit cards, passport and his security clearance laptop containing military intelligence on it were missing.

I don’t know about you but I would have been hella pissed that my Ipod was missing. The Australian Defence Department is looking into this matter now but they aren’t too concerned because they say the Lieutentant only had low level security clearance ( I can only wonder why) and the laptop had security software installed. The Defence Departments statement can clearly be read in man speak as “OH FUCK”.

Obviously military intelligence is the same the world around so I thought I would post some tips for anyone who is equivalent to the rank of Lieutenant or higher and is headed to Bangkok. All military personnel lower in rank than a Lieutenant already know Pattaya is the place to be if you are really looking for fun.

1. If you are in any sort of Military Intelligence position don’t leave your hotel room because it is bound to go bad and some asswipe with a blog on Thailand will surely write about it

2. When looking for ladyboys do so before 2 am at the bars they work in so when it does go bad you have a point of origin to start with. Better yet go short time with them that way the Police won’t refer to him as a Thai person which means everyone will know you were banging a ladyboy…better yet get a girl. Better yet refer to #1

3. If you are dead set on trawling Nana Hotel’s parking lot at 3am for a ladyboy and you just have to come back to the hotel drunk use the following checklist before you leave:

A. Lock everything of value the fuck up!

B. READ A SEVERAL TIMES!

4. Find  Someone lower in rank than yourself and ask if you can tag along with them to Pattaya.

5. Hold hands and look both ways when crossing the street…No, seriously.